The Pony That Spoke To My Inner Child
By: Mark Cavill
I have been very interested in Carl Jung’s theories regarding the unconscious and the ‘inner child’ for many years. A decade of discussion with Jungian psychotherapy professionals has helped me explore these ideas within a safe space. I was well aware therefore that the idea of a ‘Women’s Retreat’ would trigger my ‘vulnerable inner child’s’ fear of the 'feminine' and that my complex around it would be ‘alive and well’ in such an environment. I am normally very careful to avoid anything that might trigger my childhood traumas and the idea of such a retreat initially filled me with some nervousness!
I have grappled with panic and anxiety for a number of years; it's often a daily challenge and nothing specific can trigger it. Seeing friends, a trip to the shop, going to work, even seeing family seems to set it off. So, when moments of peace arrive, when inner stillness is briefly achieved even just for a short time, I find it significant and memorable.
I suppose that we could call the panic and the fearful flashbacks a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; I don't know. This acronym seems more suited to those who have suffered through war. I don't feel comfortable with the term but perhaps the impact of my own history does share most of the necessary post traumatic symptoms and I am currently having EMDR^ therapy to help heal the PTSD.
I certainly wasn't expecting any epiphanies this wet morning in the Cotswolds as I had merely agreed to help my amazing wife with her new horse-related 'Women's Retreats', based on engagement with the natural and equine worlds. Fortunately, I was just a helper that day, happy to make the tea, liaise with catering and build a fire for a ceremony.
And as my own inner stuff dictates, as long as no one talked to me very much and I was given my much needed 'space to myself', I could be useful in some way!
My most memorable experience occurred as I walked past a line of four clever ponies who had taken shelter in the barn; they were busy observing the actions of the humans out in the fields before them. As I walked past, something inside me made me stop and turn towards the horses. Something, somewhere, had called to me. I quickly found myself joining the line of ponies staring out into the rain under the shelter of the barn.
I have grappled with panic and anxiety for a number of years; it's often a daily challenge and nothing specific can trigger it. Seeing friends, a trip to the shop, going to work, even seeing family seems to set it off. So, when moments of peace arrive, when inner stillness is briefly achieved even just for a short time, I find it significant and memorable.
I suppose that we could call the panic and the fearful flashbacks a form of Post Traumatic Stress Disorder; I don't know. This acronym seems more suited to those who have suffered through war. I don't feel comfortable with the term but perhaps the impact of my own history does share most of the necessary post traumatic symptoms and I am currently having EMDR^ therapy to help heal the PTSD.
I certainly wasn't expecting any epiphanies this wet morning in the Cotswolds as I had merely agreed to help my amazing wife with her new horse-related 'Women's Retreats', based on engagement with the natural and equine worlds. Fortunately, I was just a helper that day, happy to make the tea, liaise with catering and build a fire for a ceremony.
And as my own inner stuff dictates, as long as no one talked to me very much and I was given my much needed 'space to myself', I could be useful in some way!
My most memorable experience occurred as I walked past a line of four clever ponies who had taken shelter in the barn; they were busy observing the actions of the humans out in the fields before them. As I walked past, something inside me made me stop and turn towards the horses. Something, somewhere, had called to me. I quickly found myself joining the line of ponies staring out into the rain under the shelter of the barn.
Peaceful, tranquil and easy
Just standing with them was peaceful, tranquil and easy. Taking a break from the tea and coffee making, I was aware of the steady rain, pummelling the iron roof of the shelter I was standing under, as I attempted to take in the vastness of the wet fields and dark skies in front of me. There was nothing but grass and wet clouds in my view and the emptiness felt vast and consuming. Predictably, the sharp edges of panic played around the borders of my chest; it was a familiar feeling and one that is entrenched in distant childhood. It had been triggered by something, a thought or a memory but I wanted to stay present in this very beautiful, natural scene in front of me; so I tried to shake it off.
I turned my head and the row of ponies stood on guard behind me about ten yards away. They too seemed to stare into the rainy distance and it felt good to join them. A nudge on my leg was unexpected, and when I looked down, I saw that one of the ponies had joined me.
This strange creature was a beautiful blue-eyed pony called Bibi and we stood closely together. She didn’t move away from me as I stroked her back, and I genuinely felt that she had come up to say hello. Someone later mentioned that horses can act as a reflection to how we are feeling, and I certainly felt that Bibi had very deliberately decided to share my space that morning in a very empathetic way. It was peaceful, authentic and natural, and I felt close to the natural world in this moment; much more than I felt I ever could.
I felt my panic and I felt that the pony felt it too. I felt her say that it would all be OK and that was that. I can't say any more about it.
A nice day with rain, tea, mud and horses was had by all. The experience has stayed with me since then. I'm not one for seeing too much into this or indeed believing that any of this psychological healing really does take place. However, as I write, I realise that this opinion comes from somewhere in the past and is someone else's view. Surely it cannot be coincidence that horses have played and continue to play such an important role in mental health and our search for inner peace or individuation; call it what you will? The school I work at sends vulnerable school pupils to spend the week with horses, such is the positive, healing experience that these animals offer.
Therefore, a pony sensing my own inner stuff and coming up to reassure me on such a grey day feels OK and not that mad!
In a way it seems to validate all the inner work that I have previously done and seems to encapsulate what it's all really about. I'm convinced that this very personal experience adds to my ongoing engagement with the internal world, over and above that offered by the external.
It appears that our unconscious world is very connected with nature and that horses in particular can sense what is happening deep within ourselves. ~*~
^ Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/therapy-types/eyemovement-
desensitization-and-reprocessing-therapy
Just standing with them was peaceful, tranquil and easy. Taking a break from the tea and coffee making, I was aware of the steady rain, pummelling the iron roof of the shelter I was standing under, as I attempted to take in the vastness of the wet fields and dark skies in front of me. There was nothing but grass and wet clouds in my view and the emptiness felt vast and consuming. Predictably, the sharp edges of panic played around the borders of my chest; it was a familiar feeling and one that is entrenched in distant childhood. It had been triggered by something, a thought or a memory but I wanted to stay present in this very beautiful, natural scene in front of me; so I tried to shake it off.
I turned my head and the row of ponies stood on guard behind me about ten yards away. They too seemed to stare into the rainy distance and it felt good to join them. A nudge on my leg was unexpected, and when I looked down, I saw that one of the ponies had joined me.
This strange creature was a beautiful blue-eyed pony called Bibi and we stood closely together. She didn’t move away from me as I stroked her back, and I genuinely felt that she had come up to say hello. Someone later mentioned that horses can act as a reflection to how we are feeling, and I certainly felt that Bibi had very deliberately decided to share my space that morning in a very empathetic way. It was peaceful, authentic and natural, and I felt close to the natural world in this moment; much more than I felt I ever could.
I felt my panic and I felt that the pony felt it too. I felt her say that it would all be OK and that was that. I can't say any more about it.
A nice day with rain, tea, mud and horses was had by all. The experience has stayed with me since then. I'm not one for seeing too much into this or indeed believing that any of this psychological healing really does take place. However, as I write, I realise that this opinion comes from somewhere in the past and is someone else's view. Surely it cannot be coincidence that horses have played and continue to play such an important role in mental health and our search for inner peace or individuation; call it what you will? The school I work at sends vulnerable school pupils to spend the week with horses, such is the positive, healing experience that these animals offer.
Therefore, a pony sensing my own inner stuff and coming up to reassure me on such a grey day feels OK and not that mad!
In a way it seems to validate all the inner work that I have previously done and seems to encapsulate what it's all really about. I'm convinced that this very personal experience adds to my ongoing engagement with the internal world, over and above that offered by the external.
It appears that our unconscious world is very connected with nature and that horses in particular can sense what is happening deep within ourselves. ~*~
^ Eye Movement Desensitization and Reprocessing: https://www.psychologytoday.com/gb/therapy-types/eyemovement-
desensitization-and-reprocessing-therapy
Mark Cavill Bio
Mark was born in Weymouth, Dorset in 1971 and apart from a brief stay in London for University and Newcastle when he was younger, he has remained in Weymouth most of his life. He has a 17-year-old daughter and a wife who adores horses and he likes spending time with both of them. Mark has been employed in education since 1996, after a brief spell working in shops and hotels in his twenties. After that he trained as an English teacher and got a job working as a cover or stand in teacher at the school he attended as a child. He enjoyed teaching lessons in that role, ranging from Maths to Sport and it was good on the job training for a young, inexperienced teacher. After a year of that, Mark was offered a permanent contract as an English teacher at the
same school. Just as this began, he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma which took the whole year to fix with Chemo and Radio therapy.
Returning to school, he worked his way up as Deputy in the English Department, gained the role of an Advanced Skills Teacher, then Assistant Principal and he is currently Acting Principal. Mark thoroughly enjoys working with and developing the staff there and seeing the progress young people can make now. He is still an English teacher though and that means he gets to teach lessons and to interact with the students as much as possible; which is great.
Contact Mark here: markcavill1@sky.com
same school. Just as this began, he was diagnosed with Hodgkin's Lymphoma which took the whole year to fix with Chemo and Radio therapy.
Returning to school, he worked his way up as Deputy in the English Department, gained the role of an Advanced Skills Teacher, then Assistant Principal and he is currently Acting Principal. Mark thoroughly enjoys working with and developing the staff there and seeing the progress young people can make now. He is still an English teacher though and that means he gets to teach lessons and to interact with the students as much as possible; which is great.
Contact Mark here: markcavill1@sky.com