Giving Voice Through Choice
By: Nikki Kagan
Those of us who share our lives with horses spend much of our time trying to help them “make the right choices.” If I was the horse, which would I prefer? Would I prefer being given the opportunity to act from a place of free choice? Or would I prefer being given a set of expectations to meet? Ray Hunt, an American horse trainer and clinician once said that one way to persuade others to meet our expectations is to “…make the wrong thing hard and the right thing easy…”. But is that in fact offering a choice? I challenge that notion because at the end of the day, there are always expectations, and according to Rudy Rasmus, pastor, author and global humanitarian, “expectations are premeditated resentments.”
Piloni
When I first became a horse owner at the age of 42, I wanted a horse I could “manage”—one who wouldn’t overpower me — one who would do as I asked.
I bought Piloni, an 11-year old gelding—a retired competitor, and he was indeed a “good boy”. He rarely challenged me, was cooperative and quiet, and made my learning experience pleasant and easy.
But Piloni suffered a serious eye injury that changed the nature of our relationship, and my path with horses. For 18 months he was unrideable, so we began taking long walks together, with me by his side rather than on his back. I became interested in how I could help his healing, so I studied acupressure, Reiki and equine bodywork. The more I learned, the more aware I became of his unique voice. The more Piloni used his voice, the more I found mine.
I bought Piloni, an 11-year old gelding—a retired competitor, and he was indeed a “good boy”. He rarely challenged me, was cooperative and quiet, and made my learning experience pleasant and easy.
But Piloni suffered a serious eye injury that changed the nature of our relationship, and my path with horses. For 18 months he was unrideable, so we began taking long walks together, with me by his side rather than on his back. I became interested in how I could help his healing, so I studied acupressure, Reiki and equine bodywork. The more I learned, the more aware I became of his unique voice. The more Piloni used his voice, the more I found mine.
Nikki and Rainy
I became a better advocate for him in the face of people who I assumed were “more experienced” than me. Through him I learned to honor my own truth, speaking up when I might previously have remained silent…
For 8 years, I had almost never heard Piloni neigh, nicker or whinny. He would come to me when I called, but he would come dragging his feet. Little by little, by giving him choices, he began to open up. Now, Piloni nickers every time he sees me. He heads to the gate even before I have a chance to grab the keys! Gradually I learned what types of interactions he likes and what he doesn’t. For example, at age 23, he loves to run, skip and play alongside me. He has definite opinions about which direction to go when we’re on our walks — so I leave the navigation up to him.
And it just gets better. I learned that Piloni has a very funny sense of humor! I learned that the more I listen, the more feedback he gives me.
He is more alive — more motivated, more vocal, and more quietly assertive than ever before.
What’s behind it? In a word, “choice”.
My horses are free to choose just about everything. I don’t tie them for grooming, tacking, the farrier or vet so they are free to express themselves openly and without fear of reprisal. If they walk off, I invite them to reconsider, and only if it’s a matter of safety or health do I ask again through calm and soothing words and gestures.
However, it’s not only about what we do, it’s often about what we DON’T do when we interact with horses. We often fail to:
• Acknowledge their attempts to engage us
• Reward their efforts unless those efforts lead to our desired goal
• Try to make their interactions engaging and interesting
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t prefer to be given a choice.
For 8 years, I had almost never heard Piloni neigh, nicker or whinny. He would come to me when I called, but he would come dragging his feet. Little by little, by giving him choices, he began to open up. Now, Piloni nickers every time he sees me. He heads to the gate even before I have a chance to grab the keys! Gradually I learned what types of interactions he likes and what he doesn’t. For example, at age 23, he loves to run, skip and play alongside me. He has definite opinions about which direction to go when we’re on our walks — so I leave the navigation up to him.
And it just gets better. I learned that Piloni has a very funny sense of humor! I learned that the more I listen, the more feedback he gives me.
He is more alive — more motivated, more vocal, and more quietly assertive than ever before.
What’s behind it? In a word, “choice”.
My horses are free to choose just about everything. I don’t tie them for grooming, tacking, the farrier or vet so they are free to express themselves openly and without fear of reprisal. If they walk off, I invite them to reconsider, and only if it’s a matter of safety or health do I ask again through calm and soothing words and gestures.
However, it’s not only about what we do, it’s often about what we DON’T do when we interact with horses. We often fail to:
• Acknowledge their attempts to engage us
• Reward their efforts unless those efforts lead to our desired goal
• Try to make their interactions engaging and interesting
I don’t know anyone who doesn’t prefer to be given a choice.
Leaders to provide choices
In my work with leadership teams I always encourage leaders to provide choices as a way to promote self-motivation. By giving choices we invite and inspire others to show up through self-expression — to take a stand. We learn more about how they think and how they make decisions. We understand better what motivates them -- and what drags them down. Trust deepens, and collaboration strengthens when we give others the right to express disagreement with us or to simply ‘just say no’.
It’s not that hard, but it does mean learning to:
• Accept what is being offered
• Listen/observe BEFORE speaking/acting
• Simply “be curious”
• ‘Let go’ of the need to control
• Demonstrate infinite patience
• Find the balance between completing the task without compromising the relationship
The experience is not limited to what we can learn about our horses, or about one another. When we give choices, we learn a lot about ourselves too. Because giving choices does mean giving up some control. Giving up control provides us with the opportunity to learn whether or not we really mean it when we say; “It’s your choice.” We learn about our threshold for patience and we learn to get creative in finding new and different ways to engage with others. Giving choices creates partnership.
Giving voice through choice is about engaging with heart. Unfortunately, the author quoted below is unknown, but their simple sentence sums it up beautifully. ~*~
In my work with leadership teams I always encourage leaders to provide choices as a way to promote self-motivation. By giving choices we invite and inspire others to show up through self-expression — to take a stand. We learn more about how they think and how they make decisions. We understand better what motivates them -- and what drags them down. Trust deepens, and collaboration strengthens when we give others the right to express disagreement with us or to simply ‘just say no’.
It’s not that hard, but it does mean learning to:
• Accept what is being offered
• Listen/observe BEFORE speaking/acting
• Simply “be curious”
• ‘Let go’ of the need to control
• Demonstrate infinite patience
• Find the balance between completing the task without compromising the relationship
The experience is not limited to what we can learn about our horses, or about one another. When we give choices, we learn a lot about ourselves too. Because giving choices does mean giving up some control. Giving up control provides us with the opportunity to learn whether or not we really mean it when we say; “It’s your choice.” We learn about our threshold for patience and we learn to get creative in finding new and different ways to engage with others. Giving choices creates partnership.
Giving voice through choice is about engaging with heart. Unfortunately, the author quoted below is unknown, but their simple sentence sums it up beautifully. ~*~
“Our days are happier when we give others a bit of our heart rather than a piece of our mind.”
Nikki Kagan Bio
Nikki Kagan is founder of HorseSense International, an organization devoted to cultivating and strengthening leadership consciousness. In her 30 years as corporate facilitator and coach, she has found that the most effective leaders are those who can look deep inside for their own “truths” and courageously express them to colleagues, clients and employees.
Nikki’s path to leadership is through horses. Horses personify the behaviors of successful leaders and in their presence, we seem drawn to be our best selves. Learning leadership from horses has served her well as clients openly appreciate her sensitive, direct and honest approach to even the most difficult issues.
As a certified Masterson Method, Reiki and Acupressure practitioner, she spends her free time helping horses release tension and create greater ease of movement. She recently published “Instinctive Leadership” which reveals the strong connection between her two passions—leadership and horses. A certified focus group moderator, facilitator and creative planner, Nikki holds certifications from the Burke Research Institute, Cincinnati, Ohio, the McNellis Group, and "The Great Facilitation Training Program." She is also certified in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) and has a B.A. and an M.B.A. in Marketing and Management.
E-mail: nikki@horsesense.co.il Website: www.horsesense.co.il
Nikki’s path to leadership is through horses. Horses personify the behaviors of successful leaders and in their presence, we seem drawn to be our best selves. Learning leadership from horses has served her well as clients openly appreciate her sensitive, direct and honest approach to even the most difficult issues.
As a certified Masterson Method, Reiki and Acupressure practitioner, she spends her free time helping horses release tension and create greater ease of movement. She recently published “Instinctive Leadership” which reveals the strong connection between her two passions—leadership and horses. A certified focus group moderator, facilitator and creative planner, Nikki holds certifications from the Burke Research Institute, Cincinnati, Ohio, the McNellis Group, and "The Great Facilitation Training Program." She is also certified in the Myers-Briggs Type Indicator® (MBTI®) and has a B.A. and an M.B.A. in Marketing and Management.
E-mail: nikki@horsesense.co.il Website: www.horsesense.co.il