‘Getting Real’
How horses help us look at those (hard) truths we’d rather not face
By: Nikki Kagan
Maybe you’ve heard the expression “Get real!” Maybe you’ve even said it yourself! If someone tells you to get real,
they’re likely telling you to perform a reality check and stop ‘pretending’.
Sometimes we act as if we’re fearless when we’re really feeling afraid—or we act tough when we’re actually feeling vulnerable,
or we say we’re ‘fine’ when in truth, we’re pretty frustrated.
they’re likely telling you to perform a reality check and stop ‘pretending’.
Sometimes we act as if we’re fearless when we’re really feeling afraid—or we act tough when we’re actually feeling vulnerable,
or we say we’re ‘fine’ when in truth, we’re pretty frustrated.
Horses are great at getting us to face the truth of who we are in each moment. They have a way of luring us from our sometimes-stilted way of seeing things that don’t serve us, demanding that we get real. Sometimes we box ourselves in, repeating the same mistakes over and over. Sometimes we’re simply emotionally blind, completely out of touch with our feelings. And sometimes our ego tells us there’s just one “right” way and it’s too dangerous to deviate from it. When we find ourselves truly stuck, it seems no amount of talking can move us forward. But an encounter, a touch, or even just a glance from a horse can often penetrate our greatest attempts at concealing our truth.
TRUE FEELINGS
“Mary” and her team came to spend the day with our horses. As Team Leader, she entered the enclosure, choosing to work with a specific mare. After successfully getting the mare to move around, the horse entered a corner and stood with her hind end facing Mary. Unable to move her from the corner, Mary became quite agitated and more forceful in her attempts while her team watched silently from the sidelines. Within five minutes Mary, now in tears, left the mare and approached her team. “I’m so sorry…” she said. “I am just now realizing that this is what I do to you all. When I don’t get what I want— when I feel like I’ve lost control, I lose my temper until you retreat and ignore me—and I don’t blame you…I don’t mean to be this way …” In getting ‘real’ and acknowledging her true feelings, her team felt compelled to respond with understanding and support.
With Jen, the situation was slightly different. During a simple leading exercise, Tom, the horse she chose to lead, came to a standstill. No amount of coaxing helped. She tried pulling his lead, then approached him to gently stroke his neck, commenting on what a good boy he was. She repeated this sequence multiple times, but Tom remained rooted to the spot. I approached her. “How’s it going?” I asked. “Not so well.” she replied. “Are you getting the results you want?” “No!—He won’t move!” I told her I was curious as to why she was stroking him, telling him he was a good boy even though he wouldn’t move. She replied, “I thought if I was nice to him, he would comply, but it isn’t working!” I asked her how she was feeling about his behavior and she responded “FRUSTRATED!”. I suggested she try getting in touch with and acknowledging her frustration, focus on her desired outcome, and then just proceed with confidence that he would follow. To her amazement, he did!
TRUE FEELINGS
“Mary” and her team came to spend the day with our horses. As Team Leader, she entered the enclosure, choosing to work with a specific mare. After successfully getting the mare to move around, the horse entered a corner and stood with her hind end facing Mary. Unable to move her from the corner, Mary became quite agitated and more forceful in her attempts while her team watched silently from the sidelines. Within five minutes Mary, now in tears, left the mare and approached her team. “I’m so sorry…” she said. “I am just now realizing that this is what I do to you all. When I don’t get what I want— when I feel like I’ve lost control, I lose my temper until you retreat and ignore me—and I don’t blame you…I don’t mean to be this way …” In getting ‘real’ and acknowledging her true feelings, her team felt compelled to respond with understanding and support.
With Jen, the situation was slightly different. During a simple leading exercise, Tom, the horse she chose to lead, came to a standstill. No amount of coaxing helped. She tried pulling his lead, then approached him to gently stroke his neck, commenting on what a good boy he was. She repeated this sequence multiple times, but Tom remained rooted to the spot. I approached her. “How’s it going?” I asked. “Not so well.” she replied. “Are you getting the results you want?” “No!—He won’t move!” I told her I was curious as to why she was stroking him, telling him he was a good boy even though he wouldn’t move. She replied, “I thought if I was nice to him, he would comply, but it isn’t working!” I asked her how she was feeling about his behavior and she responded “FRUSTRATED!”. I suggested she try getting in touch with and acknowledging her frustration, focus on her desired outcome, and then just proceed with confidence that he would follow. To her amazement, he did!
ONE HUNDRED PERCENT
So, what is it about horses that leads us to admit to and honor our true thoughts and feelings? Well, horses are extremely relational and perceptive beings. They have no personas and are always 100% congruent. As such, they’re uncomfortable when we are NOT congruent, and as my stories demonstrate, they often communicate that discomfort by disengaging. When we identify too closely with the beliefs and personas, we create about ourselves, we lose touch with who we are and behave in a way we think we “should”. That leads to a mismatch between our “inner” and “outer” energies. To a horse, this sends the message “This person doesn’t know himself and therefore cannot be trusted.” After all, as a herd, they live together in complete congruence. Congruence means safety. Incongruence means something’s fishy.
Why are we incongruent? Sometimes, we feel concerned about whether the horse will “like” us. As a result, we suppress any negative thoughts and feelings. This leads to incongruence because our thoughts (I’m frustrated!) and actions (I’m gently stroking the horse’s neck) don’t match, as was the case with Jen. And some of us mask our fears (of losing control, like Mary) with aggression, which again, is incongruent.
GO TO NEUTRAL
Getting real can also be about being fully present in the moment. There have been days I’ve come to the horses with a mind full of distracting thoughts. I enter the herd because I’ve carved out time to do whatever I’ve committed to with them, even though a million other things are competing for my time and attention. Although I’m physically present and going through the motions, I’m not fully emotionally or psychologically there. And it has consequences. The horses are not as responsive as I’d like. I become impatient. They don’t want to engage. Of course, they don’t! Then it hits me. “Breathe”, I say to myself. “Go to neutral and just let go.” I take deep breaths, releasing the tension in my mind and body, and sink to the ground under a tree. Within minutes, they slowly approach as if to say “That’s much better. Thanks for showing up and being present!”
So, what is it about horses that leads us to admit to and honor our true thoughts and feelings? Well, horses are extremely relational and perceptive beings. They have no personas and are always 100% congruent. As such, they’re uncomfortable when we are NOT congruent, and as my stories demonstrate, they often communicate that discomfort by disengaging. When we identify too closely with the beliefs and personas, we create about ourselves, we lose touch with who we are and behave in a way we think we “should”. That leads to a mismatch between our “inner” and “outer” energies. To a horse, this sends the message “This person doesn’t know himself and therefore cannot be trusted.” After all, as a herd, they live together in complete congruence. Congruence means safety. Incongruence means something’s fishy.
Why are we incongruent? Sometimes, we feel concerned about whether the horse will “like” us. As a result, we suppress any negative thoughts and feelings. This leads to incongruence because our thoughts (I’m frustrated!) and actions (I’m gently stroking the horse’s neck) don’t match, as was the case with Jen. And some of us mask our fears (of losing control, like Mary) with aggression, which again, is incongruent.
GO TO NEUTRAL
Getting real can also be about being fully present in the moment. There have been days I’ve come to the horses with a mind full of distracting thoughts. I enter the herd because I’ve carved out time to do whatever I’ve committed to with them, even though a million other things are competing for my time and attention. Although I’m physically present and going through the motions, I’m not fully emotionally or psychologically there. And it has consequences. The horses are not as responsive as I’d like. I become impatient. They don’t want to engage. Of course, they don’t! Then it hits me. “Breathe”, I say to myself. “Go to neutral and just let go.” I take deep breaths, releasing the tension in my mind and body, and sink to the ground under a tree. Within minutes, they slowly approach as if to say “That’s much better. Thanks for showing up and being present!”
Sometimes “getting real” is about owning our inner turmoil or acknowledging our fears. Sometimes it’s about getting grounded in who we are in the moment rather than getting stuck in the past or fretting about the future.
It’s also about facing those truths we’re so good at hiding. After all, we learned to protect ourselves that way from an early age. Remember the saying “Never let them see you sweat.”? Hiding our truths inadvertently creates wariness in horses because they know there’s more that’s not being disclosed. (Actually, we too, can typically tell when someone isn’t being completely honest with us and that renders them not entirely trustworthy!)
Horses require us to show up in our nakedness. They test us to see if we can protect our boundaries, if we’re prepared to own our emotions and respond honestly in each moment. They encourage us to engage with and own our vulnerability, because that’s what they do. And when we show up authentically, those around us are encouraged to do the same.
When we spend time with horses, observing how they respond to their environment, to each other, and to us, when we pay attention to how what we do, how we move, what we say and how what we THINK influences their responses, everything becomes clear. When we “get real”, the path reveals itself…
It’s also about facing those truths we’re so good at hiding. After all, we learned to protect ourselves that way from an early age. Remember the saying “Never let them see you sweat.”? Hiding our truths inadvertently creates wariness in horses because they know there’s more that’s not being disclosed. (Actually, we too, can typically tell when someone isn’t being completely honest with us and that renders them not entirely trustworthy!)
Horses require us to show up in our nakedness. They test us to see if we can protect our boundaries, if we’re prepared to own our emotions and respond honestly in each moment. They encourage us to engage with and own our vulnerability, because that’s what they do. And when we show up authentically, those around us are encouraged to do the same.
When we spend time with horses, observing how they respond to their environment, to each other, and to us, when we pay attention to how what we do, how we move, what we say and how what we THINK influences their responses, everything becomes clear. When we “get real”, the path reveals itself…
“Truth is like the sun. You can shut it out for a time, but it isn’t going away.” Elvis Presley ~*~
