EQUINE HERD RELATIONSHIP
The Guiding Tenant for Healthy Human Relationship
By: Kim Hallin
My farm is an unusual place. The horses have no job except to be their authentic selves.
And the humans who visit are given no responsibility except to learn how to honor the horses (and themselves) for who they are.
In the quiet space that accompanies this type of curiosity and empathy, a deep and humbling recognition emerges:
And the humans who visit are given no responsibility except to learn how to honor the horses (and themselves) for who they are.
In the quiet space that accompanies this type of curiosity and empathy, a deep and humbling recognition emerges:
We are all one.
Different, yet the same.
Distinct individuals, but only within the context of the whole.
Different, yet the same.
Distinct individuals, but only within the context of the whole.
What visitors learn from this experience is that the key to living in healthy relationship lies in understanding that boundaries are necessary in order to define where one individual ends, and another begins.
CO-DEPENDENCE
In his book Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., explains that human beings become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to someone or something outside of ourselves. He calls this an addiction to looking elsewhere, and it has become so prevalent in today’s society that one can easily go an entire lifetime without ever seeing (let alone experiencing) a truly healthy interpersonal relationship.
As human beings, our training to look outside of ourselves for validation (which causes us to lose touch with the boundaries that define our own identity) usually begins in early childhood. This co-dependent mindset then continues to be reinforced throughout our lives, often by our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends, our coaches, our bosses, the media, and so on. A person’s value is measured, far too often, by their ability to conform to expectations, traditions and cultural norms. In fact, the entire domestic world is based on this type of conformity.
The human domestic world would like us to believe that conformity is necessary for civilized communal existence. Horses have shown me that this is not necessarily true. In fact, conformity and the addiction to looking outside of ourselves for validation come at a great cost. The magnitude of this cost is becoming more and more evident as humanity’s collective emotional, physical and spiritual health deteriorates.
Horses and other domestic animals often pay a high price for our co-dependent mindset as well. We tend to apply the same criteria to our relationships with them as we do with one another: “How well are YOU able to conform to MY expectations?” This creates a tremendous amount of physical and emotional stress – but not just for the animals. When we link our own success or happiness to our horse’s ability to excel in domestic pursuits, we ourselves fall even deeper into co-dependency.
FREEDOM
Afforded the freedom to live autonomously in herd communities, horses will immediately start to shed the learned coping behaviors that help them navigate in our co-dependent world. Unlike humans, horses don’t measure their core worth and happiness in relation to someone else’s opinions and expectations of them.
Horses feel most at ease and centered in their own relationships when there is clarity and constant communication about boundaries and personal space. In other words, horses feel safest and most confident when they know exactly where they stand. This knowing is the foundation upon which healthy respect is built, both for ourselves and toward others. When we understand and honor the difference between what’s mine to own and what’s yours to own, our relationships take on a different tone and feel.
CO-DEPENDENCE
In his book Co-Dependence: Healing the Human Condition, Charles L. Whitfield, M.D., explains that human beings become co-dependent when we turn our responsibility for our life and happiness over to someone or something outside of ourselves. He calls this an addiction to looking elsewhere, and it has become so prevalent in today’s society that one can easily go an entire lifetime without ever seeing (let alone experiencing) a truly healthy interpersonal relationship.
As human beings, our training to look outside of ourselves for validation (which causes us to lose touch with the boundaries that define our own identity) usually begins in early childhood. This co-dependent mindset then continues to be reinforced throughout our lives, often by our parents, our siblings, our teachers, our friends, our coaches, our bosses, the media, and so on. A person’s value is measured, far too often, by their ability to conform to expectations, traditions and cultural norms. In fact, the entire domestic world is based on this type of conformity.
The human domestic world would like us to believe that conformity is necessary for civilized communal existence. Horses have shown me that this is not necessarily true. In fact, conformity and the addiction to looking outside of ourselves for validation come at a great cost. The magnitude of this cost is becoming more and more evident as humanity’s collective emotional, physical and spiritual health deteriorates.
Horses and other domestic animals often pay a high price for our co-dependent mindset as well. We tend to apply the same criteria to our relationships with them as we do with one another: “How well are YOU able to conform to MY expectations?” This creates a tremendous amount of physical and emotional stress – but not just for the animals. When we link our own success or happiness to our horse’s ability to excel in domestic pursuits, we ourselves fall even deeper into co-dependency.
FREEDOM
Afforded the freedom to live autonomously in herd communities, horses will immediately start to shed the learned coping behaviors that help them navigate in our co-dependent world. Unlike humans, horses don’t measure their core worth and happiness in relation to someone else’s opinions and expectations of them.
Horses feel most at ease and centered in their own relationships when there is clarity and constant communication about boundaries and personal space. In other words, horses feel safest and most confident when they know exactly where they stand. This knowing is the foundation upon which healthy respect is built, both for ourselves and toward others. When we understand and honor the difference between what’s mine to own and what’s yours to own, our relationships take on a different tone and feel.
We become more empowered to express our own opinions.
We stop feeling entitled to enter someone else’s personal space without permission.
We pay more attention to how (and what, and why) we’re communicating.
We welcome honest feedback because it’s seen as helpful information.
BART
Initially, my horses were terrified of this little pig. They had never seen or smelled a pig before. Meanwhile, the baby pig was strangely confident – bold even – around the horses. There was no logical reason why this tiny pig suddenly showed up on our dead-end road, in the middle of the afternoon, many miles away from the nearest pig farm. Even more bizarre was his obvious commitment to befriending the giant-sized horses that nearly attacked him in their initial confusion and frenzy.
The interactions that followed between these most unlikely of comrades stunned me. More importantly, through their example, these two very different types of animals taught me that there is one overarching and universal “guiding tenet” that simply can’t fail to create healthy relationships:
Every individual is responsible for knowing, honoring and communicating his/her own personal space boundaries, and for honoring the personal space boundaries of others.
Initially, my horses were terrified of this little pig. They had never seen or smelled a pig before. Meanwhile, the baby pig was strangely confident – bold even – around the horses. There was no logical reason why this tiny pig suddenly showed up on our dead-end road, in the middle of the afternoon, many miles away from the nearest pig farm. Even more bizarre was his obvious commitment to befriending the giant-sized horses that nearly attacked him in their initial confusion and frenzy.
The interactions that followed between these most unlikely of comrades stunned me. More importantly, through their example, these two very different types of animals taught me that there is one overarching and universal “guiding tenet” that simply can’t fail to create healthy relationships:
Every individual is responsible for knowing, honoring and communicating his/her own personal space boundaries, and for honoring the personal space boundaries of others.
For reasons that remain a mystery to me, since that day when Bartholomew the Pig (aka Bart) first arrived on my property, he has never once considered leaving. Equally mysterious is the reason why my five horses happily welcomed him into their herd. I’ve always been told that pigs are very smart. So I don’t know whether Bart arrived already well versed in the guiding tenet for healthy relationships or whether my horses mentored him. But I do know this:
All living beings (including humans) are innately attracted to healthy relationship. It just feels amazing. It’s the antithesis of co-dependency. Whenever I see my horses and my pig together, I can almost hear them saying:
“I am enough, and you are enough.
Just as we each are, right here, right now.
I don’t need anything from you,
and you don’t need anything from me.
We are both perfect and complete.”
Yes, my farm is an unusual place.
But it shouldn’t be. ~*~
