THE FIELD OF LOVE
Sharing the Way of the Horse
By: Gabriela Ostendorfer, Canada
The scene never ceased to surface emotional intensity front and centre. A slight constriction in her throat and then warmth flooding down into her heart area. Always the same place in her body. Always the same place along the gravel road, just around the corner after the community hall. The road dipped then crested a hill and before her the scene of rolling foothills framed by distant mountains and wide-open sky.
The invitation, slow down. She noticed a chinook arch forming far off in the west, a delineation between cloud bank and true-blue sky. Her foot naturally slid off the gas pedal, her breath slowed and deepened, and she felt her shoulders drop and soften. Ten minutes further on she turned left onto a side road, then left again to follow a curving driveway that led to a barn. The truck came to a stop. She sat still for almost a minute.
For some months now all kinds of weird thoughts and feelings were surfacing, thoughts of busting loose with no responsibilities. Feelings of being tethered and then being released. Where were these thoughts and feelings coming from and why now? True, she was tiring of the expectations of her work. Was this normal given her age and years of experience? Her life was fairly predictable with no surprises, but something was shifting inside. That something was getting louder and insistent. Some days her body felt unsettled and uneasy. It was becoming increasingly impossible to ignore. She opened the door of the truck and slid down from the seat. The day held possibilities for exploration of her wonderings. The day held possibilities for answers. The emotional intensity she felt earlier was still there but now it had nothing to do with scenery and everything to do with curiosity.
For some months now all kinds of weird thoughts and feelings were surfacing, thoughts of busting loose with no responsibilities. Feelings of being tethered and then being released. Where were these thoughts and feelings coming from and why now? True, she was tiring of the expectations of her work. Was this normal given her age and years of experience? Her life was fairly predictable with no surprises, but something was shifting inside. That something was getting louder and insistent. Some days her body felt unsettled and uneasy. It was becoming increasingly impossible to ignore. She opened the door of the truck and slid down from the seat. The day held possibilities for exploration of her wonderings. The day held possibilities for answers. The emotional intensity she felt earlier was still there but now it had nothing to do with scenery and everything to do with curiosity.
Grazing
Foxy raised her head from where she was grazing in the pasture. She continued to chew the hay as she scanned the landscape. Her sides twitched while she kept chewing the hay. Something had entered her field of awareness, but she could see nothing out of the ordinary. The something was more of a knowing awareness, a knowing deep inside her that today was important and that she had a part to play in its importance. She felt mildly curious. She gave a soft snort lowering her head once again to inhale the pastoral aroma followed by an herbaceous sweetness in her mouth. Back to grazing.
I felt the waves of anticipation flowing through my body. Familiar sensations. I had arrived at the farm early to fully take in the start of the day. Intention was my touchstone. I needed to feel grounded on the land. I needed to breathe in the fresh air. My ears welcomed birdsong. My skin sensed the caress of air. I was present and ready for whatever showed up. I walked slowly and mindfully into the pasture, stopping to ground myself once again. Inhale, turning point, exhale and pause. I gazed toward Foxy grazing in the distance. I sent waves of curiosity toward the horse. Foxy looked up and returned my gaze. Yes, Foxy was ready. I began to slowly walk toward her, holding the halter loosely in my hand. Foxy continued to stare at me and then with a slight toss of her head plodded forward. I stopped and gazed downward, relaxing my body. Foxy came closer and began sniffing the air until she nuzzled my shoulder. This was the moment of pure joy for me. It was the moment of acceptance. It was the moment of unspoken partnership between us. Yes, it was going to be a very good day. I slipped the halter easily over Foxy’s head. We turned to walk toward the barn.
Foxy raised her head from where she was grazing in the pasture. She continued to chew the hay as she scanned the landscape. Her sides twitched while she kept chewing the hay. Something had entered her field of awareness, but she could see nothing out of the ordinary. The something was more of a knowing awareness, a knowing deep inside her that today was important and that she had a part to play in its importance. She felt mildly curious. She gave a soft snort lowering her head once again to inhale the pastoral aroma followed by an herbaceous sweetness in her mouth. Back to grazing.
I felt the waves of anticipation flowing through my body. Familiar sensations. I had arrived at the farm early to fully take in the start of the day. Intention was my touchstone. I needed to feel grounded on the land. I needed to breathe in the fresh air. My ears welcomed birdsong. My skin sensed the caress of air. I was present and ready for whatever showed up. I walked slowly and mindfully into the pasture, stopping to ground myself once again. Inhale, turning point, exhale and pause. I gazed toward Foxy grazing in the distance. I sent waves of curiosity toward the horse. Foxy looked up and returned my gaze. Yes, Foxy was ready. I began to slowly walk toward her, holding the halter loosely in my hand. Foxy continued to stare at me and then with a slight toss of her head plodded forward. I stopped and gazed downward, relaxing my body. Foxy came closer and began sniffing the air until she nuzzled my shoulder. This was the moment of pure joy for me. It was the moment of acceptance. It was the moment of unspoken partnership between us. Yes, it was going to be a very good day. I slipped the halter easily over Foxy’s head. We turned to walk toward the barn.
Drinking Tea
As Sherry entered the barn her eyes adjusted to the softer low light. She saw me standing outside the round pen with eyes closed. A grey horse stood inside the round pen with a relaxed, low head, resting one hind leg, eyes half closed and lower lip hanging low. It looked like both were taking a nap. She didn’t want to disturb. Foxy broke her reverie and raising her head nickered softly. My eyes opened. Both Foxy and I noticed Sherry standing by the door. I smiled and walking toward Sherry greeted her warmly. I pointed toward a door that led to the coffee room.
"Would you like some tea, coffee, or water?"
"Tea would be nice."
I plugged in the kettle and as the water heated, we exchanged small talk at first…the drive, the weather, the barn. Soon the talk shifted to the purpose of the session.
"Tell me what expectation you have for today."
Sherry began sharing the weird thoughts and feelings she had been noticing. She spoke of feeling dissatisfied with her work. She described the sense that there was something more for her in the future, but she wasn’t sure what that something was. She wanted some clarity.
"Are you fearful?"
Sherry paused for a minute.
"Fearful sounds so extreme but maybe I am."
"Check in with your body. Is fear hanging out somewhere?"
Sherry smiled inwardly to herself. Yep, this was the deal. Checking in with her body for information. When she had first heard it, she thought it was weird. My body? Information?
Since that first time, she had become more aware of her body and its messages. It wasn’t always easy, though. She had come to realize that the act of surrender played a big part, but oh, that surrender was a tough one.
A voice pulled Sherry out of her reverie. Sherry heard my questions.
"Tell me what feeling free would be like for you?"
"How would your life look differently?"
"How would you know you are free?"
I deliberately paused after each question. Silence.
I continued.
"These questions may have no answers just yet. Let’s let them float out there and see if they guide us during our session."
Sherry finished her tea and followed me to the round pen. We both stood outside the rails. I began the session with some grounding instructions. My voice was soft and slow yet held strength. Sherry began to feel the earth beneath her feet. She actually did feel rooted to the earth. Focusing on her breath, her heart followed. Inhale, turning point, exhale and pause. Foxy began licking and chewing. I guided Sherry in a body scan to bring awareness to each body part and to welcome any sensations - whether temperature, pulse, numbness, or pain. All were welcome. There was a throbbing pain, no, not really pain, more of a discomfort or weightiness around her shoulders. Her breath slowly became more rhythmic. Sherry noticed her body felt awake and at the same time relaxed and soft. The emotional intensity was showing in her eyes as they welled up with tears.
As Sherry entered the barn her eyes adjusted to the softer low light. She saw me standing outside the round pen with eyes closed. A grey horse stood inside the round pen with a relaxed, low head, resting one hind leg, eyes half closed and lower lip hanging low. It looked like both were taking a nap. She didn’t want to disturb. Foxy broke her reverie and raising her head nickered softly. My eyes opened. Both Foxy and I noticed Sherry standing by the door. I smiled and walking toward Sherry greeted her warmly. I pointed toward a door that led to the coffee room.
"Would you like some tea, coffee, or water?"
"Tea would be nice."
I plugged in the kettle and as the water heated, we exchanged small talk at first…the drive, the weather, the barn. Soon the talk shifted to the purpose of the session.
"Tell me what expectation you have for today."
Sherry began sharing the weird thoughts and feelings she had been noticing. She spoke of feeling dissatisfied with her work. She described the sense that there was something more for her in the future, but she wasn’t sure what that something was. She wanted some clarity.
"Are you fearful?"
Sherry paused for a minute.
"Fearful sounds so extreme but maybe I am."
"Check in with your body. Is fear hanging out somewhere?"
Sherry smiled inwardly to herself. Yep, this was the deal. Checking in with her body for information. When she had first heard it, she thought it was weird. My body? Information?
Since that first time, she had become more aware of her body and its messages. It wasn’t always easy, though. She had come to realize that the act of surrender played a big part, but oh, that surrender was a tough one.
A voice pulled Sherry out of her reverie. Sherry heard my questions.
"Tell me what feeling free would be like for you?"
"How would your life look differently?"
"How would you know you are free?"
I deliberately paused after each question. Silence.
I continued.
"These questions may have no answers just yet. Let’s let them float out there and see if they guide us during our session."
Sherry finished her tea and followed me to the round pen. We both stood outside the rails. I began the session with some grounding instructions. My voice was soft and slow yet held strength. Sherry began to feel the earth beneath her feet. She actually did feel rooted to the earth. Focusing on her breath, her heart followed. Inhale, turning point, exhale and pause. Foxy began licking and chewing. I guided Sherry in a body scan to bring awareness to each body part and to welcome any sensations - whether temperature, pulse, numbness, or pain. All were welcome. There was a throbbing pain, no, not really pain, more of a discomfort or weightiness around her shoulders. Her breath slowly became more rhythmic. Sherry noticed her body felt awake and at the same time relaxed and soft. The emotional intensity was showing in her eyes as they welled up with tears.
Opening The Gate
I opened the gate to the round pen and Sherry walked into the space. Her body had taken over from her mind and knew exactly where to stop. Foxy began walking slowly toward Sherry and stopped. Licking and chewing again. Sherry faced Foxy. She dropped her energy down toward her heart. Foxy took a few more steps toward Sherry and stopped beside her shoulder. Foxy’s eyes were almost closed. Sherry felt a strong warmth flood her chest area. Foxy brought her head even closer, and Sherry could feel her moist breath caressing her shoulder. Ahhh, that sweet smell. Sigh. The tears kept falling.
Now it was Sherry’s turn to take some lead. She repeated her intention…Clarity. She was seeking clarity. What was shifting inside her to explain the yearning for freedom? What needed to be let go?
Sherry used some props to create a landscape of three areas she would visit with Foxy within the round pen. Each area represented a potential blockage that was holding her back from gaining clarity, from moving forward. Poles to step over, metal drums to walk around, plastic plants to walk beside. I did not need to know details and was careful to stay neutral and not distract Foxy. I encouraged Sherry to keep her heart open and tell Foxy what she wanted. Sherry lifted the halter over Foxy’s head, and they began their exploration. They walked through the landscape slowly and deliberately. Would Foxy stop? Would Foxy avoid? Or would Foxy communicate in some other way for Sherry? Whispers were all that could be heard. Foxy’s reactions would provide Sherry with information. It was up to Sherry to interpret that information.
An hour later, Sherry and I were back in the coffee room sipping some tea. I held the space open, in silence, for whatever was there. Foxy was back in the pasture. Back to grazing. Sherry’s body felt waves of fatigue and waves of excitement at the same time. She wanted to take a nap. She wanted to dance. She wanted to sing. She began sharing what feeling free would be like for her.
I opened the gate to the round pen and Sherry walked into the space. Her body had taken over from her mind and knew exactly where to stop. Foxy began walking slowly toward Sherry and stopped. Licking and chewing again. Sherry faced Foxy. She dropped her energy down toward her heart. Foxy took a few more steps toward Sherry and stopped beside her shoulder. Foxy’s eyes were almost closed. Sherry felt a strong warmth flood her chest area. Foxy brought her head even closer, and Sherry could feel her moist breath caressing her shoulder. Ahhh, that sweet smell. Sigh. The tears kept falling.
Now it was Sherry’s turn to take some lead. She repeated her intention…Clarity. She was seeking clarity. What was shifting inside her to explain the yearning for freedom? What needed to be let go?
Sherry used some props to create a landscape of three areas she would visit with Foxy within the round pen. Each area represented a potential blockage that was holding her back from gaining clarity, from moving forward. Poles to step over, metal drums to walk around, plastic plants to walk beside. I did not need to know details and was careful to stay neutral and not distract Foxy. I encouraged Sherry to keep her heart open and tell Foxy what she wanted. Sherry lifted the halter over Foxy’s head, and they began their exploration. They walked through the landscape slowly and deliberately. Would Foxy stop? Would Foxy avoid? Or would Foxy communicate in some other way for Sherry? Whispers were all that could be heard. Foxy’s reactions would provide Sherry with information. It was up to Sherry to interpret that information.
An hour later, Sherry and I were back in the coffee room sipping some tea. I held the space open, in silence, for whatever was there. Foxy was back in the pasture. Back to grazing. Sherry’s body felt waves of fatigue and waves of excitement at the same time. She wanted to take a nap. She wanted to dance. She wanted to sing. She began sharing what feeling free would be like for her.
I write these words as a letter of love for Sherry.
Sherry did find clarity. She did move forward.
She decided to retire early.
She decluttered her possessions.
She sold her house.
She bought a 5th wheel trailer and travelled.
She spent winters on Vancouver Island and summers in Alberta.
Sherry had found her freedom. Foxy showed her how her thinking was causing her to feel tethered. Stuck.
Sherry passed away in October 2021. Fully free at last. ~*~
Sherry did find clarity. She did move forward.
She decided to retire early.
She decluttered her possessions.
She sold her house.
She bought a 5th wheel trailer and travelled.
She spent winters on Vancouver Island and summers in Alberta.
Sherry had found her freedom. Foxy showed her how her thinking was causing her to feel tethered. Stuck.
Sherry passed away in October 2021. Fully free at last. ~*~
