WHY SPEAK WHEN NO ONE LISTENS?
By: Nikki Kagan, Isreal
Do I even matter? Maybe you’ve experienced that hollow feeling in your gut—the one that appears when you’re sharing something truly meaningful, only to discover that the one you’re sharing it with is checking their phone messages—or is lost in their own thoughts, oblivious to your words.
How many similar experiences does it take before you stop sharing with that person? Likely the answer is complex and depends upon multiple factors. But for sure, we eventually DO stop sharing—and listening. After all, why bother communicating when no one is listening?
Yet, even as it hurts or offends us when others fail to listen, those of us who have the honor of having horses in our lives, often do the same to them. We wedge that cell phone between our ear and shoulder as we mindlessly groom them. Or we shout instruction to a colleague or student as we lead our horse to the gate, preoccupied with what’s happening in the barn. Perhaps we’re texting even as we head out for a walk with them. After all, you’ve finally got a few moments of quiet! And yet, we wonder why the connection with our horses isn’t as deep or as rich as we would like it to be.
Yet, even as it hurts or offends us when others fail to listen, those of us who have the honor of having horses in our lives, often do the same to them. We wedge that cell phone between our ear and shoulder as we mindlessly groom them. Or we shout instruction to a colleague or student as we lead our horse to the gate, preoccupied with what’s happening in the barn. Perhaps we’re texting even as we head out for a walk with them. After all, you’ve finally got a few moments of quiet! And yet, we wonder why the connection with our horses isn’t as deep or as rich as we would like it to be.
Ignorance is Bliss, or Is It?
When I bought my first horse I was smitten. His name is Piloni. He is now 27. I had limited knowledge about how to care for horses and soaked up all the information I could from those around me. I did as I was told and treated my horse as I saw others treating theirs. Years later, I now realize that meant that most people were largely ignorant of the ways in which their horses may have been trying to communicate. Or perhaps those horses had already stopped trying to communicate long before.
When Piloni came to me, his previous owners described him as stoic, quiet, fearful of men, and a “really, really ‘good’ boy.” What they meant was that he was very cooperative and never gave anyone any trouble. Given my inexperience and ignorance, I didn’t notice the shuttered eyes or the resignation in his body.
Not long after, Piloni suffered a severe eye injury that would leave him single-sighted after 18 months of treatment. Spending such concentrated time focused solely on his health and well-being raised my level of consciousness as I began noticing subtle nuances in his behavior. It seemed like he was testing the waters to determine if I was listening. Indeed I was, but I still wasn’t sure what I was “hearing” or how to respond. I began to realize there was so much more going on inside that big dark head of his.
When I bought my first horse I was smitten. His name is Piloni. He is now 27. I had limited knowledge about how to care for horses and soaked up all the information I could from those around me. I did as I was told and treated my horse as I saw others treating theirs. Years later, I now realize that meant that most people were largely ignorant of the ways in which their horses may have been trying to communicate. Or perhaps those horses had already stopped trying to communicate long before.
When Piloni came to me, his previous owners described him as stoic, quiet, fearful of men, and a “really, really ‘good’ boy.” What they meant was that he was very cooperative and never gave anyone any trouble. Given my inexperience and ignorance, I didn’t notice the shuttered eyes or the resignation in his body.
Not long after, Piloni suffered a severe eye injury that would leave him single-sighted after 18 months of treatment. Spending such concentrated time focused solely on his health and well-being raised my level of consciousness as I began noticing subtle nuances in his behavior. It seemed like he was testing the waters to determine if I was listening. Indeed I was, but I still wasn’t sure what I was “hearing” or how to respond. I began to realize there was so much more going on inside that big dark head of his.
Enlightenment
The first memorable incident occurred after one of his hospital stays during which he had eye surgery. He was sent home with a small tube taped to his eye through which I could administer medication and flush the eye. I was given strict instructions NOT to let him roll on the affected side to ensure that he wouldn’t dislodge the tube. “No problem” I told them. “I can always tell when he is going to drop and roll so I’ll catch him in time.”
Within the first week following his release from the hospital I took him for a long walk in hand, so he could graze and stretch his legs. We were walking through a field at quite a good clip when suddenly he fell straight to the ground—with no warning whatsoever! My first thought was that he had suffered a stroke, a seizure, a snake bite, or something equally serious but before I could even complete that thought, he rolled over on his back for a good scratch! Adrenaline coursed through me as I wobbled on shaky legs, but I couldn’t help but burst out laughing thinking “You little sh*t! You knew if you showed me the usual signs that I wouldn’t let you!” I was so relieved he was ok and felt quite certain that he was feeling very pleased with himself.
Eventually, despite all the treatments, we had to remove the eye. But as time passed, he began to adapt to his compromised vision, and we returned to playing ground games and taking lengthier walks together through the fields. I had no agenda other than to help him regain strength and restore him to good health—now that he was totally free from medication and no longer undergoing any medical procedures. Slowly, the protective ‘shell’ around him began to crack as I caught even more glimpses of his determination, his intelligence and (yes) his sense of humor.
The first memorable incident occurred after one of his hospital stays during which he had eye surgery. He was sent home with a small tube taped to his eye through which I could administer medication and flush the eye. I was given strict instructions NOT to let him roll on the affected side to ensure that he wouldn’t dislodge the tube. “No problem” I told them. “I can always tell when he is going to drop and roll so I’ll catch him in time.”
Within the first week following his release from the hospital I took him for a long walk in hand, so he could graze and stretch his legs. We were walking through a field at quite a good clip when suddenly he fell straight to the ground—with no warning whatsoever! My first thought was that he had suffered a stroke, a seizure, a snake bite, or something equally serious but before I could even complete that thought, he rolled over on his back for a good scratch! Adrenaline coursed through me as I wobbled on shaky legs, but I couldn’t help but burst out laughing thinking “You little sh*t! You knew if you showed me the usual signs that I wouldn’t let you!” I was so relieved he was ok and felt quite certain that he was feeling very pleased with himself.
Eventually, despite all the treatments, we had to remove the eye. But as time passed, he began to adapt to his compromised vision, and we returned to playing ground games and taking lengthier walks together through the fields. I had no agenda other than to help him regain strength and restore him to good health—now that he was totally free from medication and no longer undergoing any medical procedures. Slowly, the protective ‘shell’ around him began to crack as I caught even more glimpses of his determination, his intelligence and (yes) his sense of humor.
A Sense of Humor Revealed
One afternoon I had let him loose in the arena while I cleaned his paddock. The barn owner used to store his hay in an open hangar across from the arena gate. As I cleaned, I could hear Piloni rattling the latch. Each time I looked over at him, he would lift his head and look up and away from me as if to say, “I’m completely minding my own business over here, no need to worry!” This happened several times. Around the 4th time I looked up to see that he had opened the gate. The instant he saw me turn my head toward him he bolted straight across to the hay and began munching heartily. Once again, he had duped me!
In a similar incident, one morning after a nice time out together, I was bringing him back to his stall. I had casually placed the lead rope over his back as he followed me down the center aisle of the barn. His stall door was open, ready for him. Somehow, in a split second I ‘knew’ what was about to happen. He spun in a circle and trotted back out of the barn to return to the paddock! It happened so fast, with absolutely no warning. But what amazed me was that momentary image that flashed in my head a fraction of a second before he spun. I read his thoughts, or so it seemed… Again, I laughed and laughed at his antics.
One afternoon I had let him loose in the arena while I cleaned his paddock. The barn owner used to store his hay in an open hangar across from the arena gate. As I cleaned, I could hear Piloni rattling the latch. Each time I looked over at him, he would lift his head and look up and away from me as if to say, “I’m completely minding my own business over here, no need to worry!” This happened several times. Around the 4th time I looked up to see that he had opened the gate. The instant he saw me turn my head toward him he bolted straight across to the hay and began munching heartily. Once again, he had duped me!
In a similar incident, one morning after a nice time out together, I was bringing him back to his stall. I had casually placed the lead rope over his back as he followed me down the center aisle of the barn. His stall door was open, ready for him. Somehow, in a split second I ‘knew’ what was about to happen. He spun in a circle and trotted back out of the barn to return to the paddock! It happened so fast, with absolutely no warning. But what amazed me was that momentary image that flashed in my head a fraction of a second before he spun. I read his thoughts, or so it seemed… Again, I laughed and laughed at his antics.
A Deeper Knowing
Some months later, he was back in the hospital for an eye procedure when his prosthetic became dislodged and infected. The veterinarian on duty was not my favorite. Dr. ‘R’ had little patience and a room full of interns. To make matters worse, Piloni was extremely fearful of veterinarians in general and wouldn’t stand still as they tried to treat his eye. Dr. R lost patience and said, “If you can’t keep this horse quiet, I’m going to sedate him.” Given all Piloni had undergone, that was the last thing I wanted. He takes sedation hard, and it taxes his system. I was at a loss of how to help so I just rested my forehead on his back and “spoke” to him in my mind saying “Piloni, please. Try to stay still for just one moment. I’m here for you and I won’t let anything happen, I promise…”.
Suddenly I heard Dr. R say “Great. It’s done.” I lifted my head in surprise and said “What?!?” He told me Piloni had kept his head still and they were able to complete the procedure. That day was the tipping point.
Those days seem like long ago because Piloni has been “talking” non-stop since. He calls me when he sees me outside. He follows me around and asks me to rub his ears. He pushes the others away when he wants me all for himself. He sings loudly as he watches me prepare his feed. I’ve learned to ask his permission before doing ANYTHING with him, for example applying fly spray, grooming, veterinary procedures, even picking his feet. And now, he always says “yes” (a reluctant “yes” for the vet, but still a “yes”.) The many people who know him say he is ‘aging in reverse’ because of how his personality has simply blossomed. I know in my heart that the change is a result of me paying closer attention to what he is telling and showing me, and then responding to him in kind.
Some months later, he was back in the hospital for an eye procedure when his prosthetic became dislodged and infected. The veterinarian on duty was not my favorite. Dr. ‘R’ had little patience and a room full of interns. To make matters worse, Piloni was extremely fearful of veterinarians in general and wouldn’t stand still as they tried to treat his eye. Dr. R lost patience and said, “If you can’t keep this horse quiet, I’m going to sedate him.” Given all Piloni had undergone, that was the last thing I wanted. He takes sedation hard, and it taxes his system. I was at a loss of how to help so I just rested my forehead on his back and “spoke” to him in my mind saying “Piloni, please. Try to stay still for just one moment. I’m here for you and I won’t let anything happen, I promise…”.
Suddenly I heard Dr. R say “Great. It’s done.” I lifted my head in surprise and said “What?!?” He told me Piloni had kept his head still and they were able to complete the procedure. That day was the tipping point.
Those days seem like long ago because Piloni has been “talking” non-stop since. He calls me when he sees me outside. He follows me around and asks me to rub his ears. He pushes the others away when he wants me all for himself. He sings loudly as he watches me prepare his feed. I’ve learned to ask his permission before doing ANYTHING with him, for example applying fly spray, grooming, veterinary procedures, even picking his feet. And now, he always says “yes” (a reluctant “yes” for the vet, but still a “yes”.) The many people who know him say he is ‘aging in reverse’ because of how his personality has simply blossomed. I know in my heart that the change is a result of me paying closer attention to what he is telling and showing me, and then responding to him in kind.
The Reward is Indescribable.
This experience with Piloni, in fact with all my horses, has brought me such incredible joy and gratitude. When I get careless, or am in too much of a hurry, forgetting to show the bottle before I begin applying fly spray, my young horse, Cass, runs off. If I walk up to Piloni and caress his neck without first asking if it’s ok with him, he backs up.
And now that I have learned to listen to my horses, we have conversations, and they are given a choice about pretty much everything. I don’t need to tie them--ever. Not for the vet, nor for the farrier, or for washing or grooming. They are my companions. They know they can leave when they choose, and that knowledge keeps them happily by my side—as long as I continue to listen. Being with horses has taught me to listen more closely, not just to horses, but to everyone. In the words of Greg Darnall; "People ought to quit worrying so much about whispering to their horses and just start listening to them."
Given that listening to our horses has such an obvious and profound impact on our relationships with them, just imagine what listening closely to all the people with whom we come into contact would mean for our world.~*~
This experience with Piloni, in fact with all my horses, has brought me such incredible joy and gratitude. When I get careless, or am in too much of a hurry, forgetting to show the bottle before I begin applying fly spray, my young horse, Cass, runs off. If I walk up to Piloni and caress his neck without first asking if it’s ok with him, he backs up.
And now that I have learned to listen to my horses, we have conversations, and they are given a choice about pretty much everything. I don’t need to tie them--ever. Not for the vet, nor for the farrier, or for washing or grooming. They are my companions. They know they can leave when they choose, and that knowledge keeps them happily by my side—as long as I continue to listen. Being with horses has taught me to listen more closely, not just to horses, but to everyone. In the words of Greg Darnall; "People ought to quit worrying so much about whispering to their horses and just start listening to them."
Given that listening to our horses has such an obvious and profound impact on our relationships with them, just imagine what listening closely to all the people with whom we come into contact would mean for our world.~*~
